Leaving the Faith

I'm leaving the Mormon church.

This has been an incredibly difficult decision for me, one I've wrestled with for nearly three years. I have been a faithful member of the Church for over 33 years and have hinged much upon my belief in the Church and in God. However, I no longer believe that the Church is led by God, and I strongly doubt that it ever was. I'm not even certain God exists.

As you can imagine, the world feels very uncertain right now, and I do not know what the future will entail. I'm going to be spending a lot of time trying to figure out what exactly I do believe, and I have no idea where that will lead me. But it is the right thing for me to do.

This decision has not been made lightly, and it is an incredibly personal one. Like all other major, personal decisions, I would appreciate respect and discretion. Therefore, I'm not interested in entering into a debate or discussion, nor am I not interested in guilt trips, testimonies, or recommended Church readings. I don't intend on listing all of my reasons for leaving here for you to read because I respect your beliefs, and I would appreciate others responding in kind.  

You have no idea the lengths I have gone to to try to convince myself to believe, to stay, to "keep the faith," and your efforts to change my mind will be neither appreciated nor successful. 

Regardless of my faith identity, my core passion remains the same: building bridges between communities. And I will continue that work, no matter where I go. 

Love, 

Kaylynne


P.S. I don't know how much use this blog will get, but feel free to check out my website for my science updates. 

Why I Stay: Claiming Mormonism in the Face of Doubt

Sometimes, being a Mormon is hard.

I don't mean that the expectations, assignments, duties, activities, and lifestyle is hard. They certainly are, but that's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about identifying as a Mormon. Actually being Mormon. 

It is very easy to dismiss someone going through a faith crisis. The presumption is that they want to sin or like finding fault, that they aren't praying "correctly" or reading their scriptures enough, that they are too prideful and too sensitive.

But this dismissal ignores the very real struggles of those who are genuinely searching for answers. They want to believe - no one wants to have their entire foundation crumble. They struggle because they find doctrinal or policy inconsistencies that they can't reconcile.

They struggle because a Church that is supposed to be directed by God once taught that black people were inferior and banned black men from holding the priesthood.

They struggle because divinely-inspired leaders have said and done horrible things, like comparing girls to pornography and telling rape victims that, unless they did everything to fight off their attackers, they would be better off dead.

They struggle because lessons on "virtue" are really lessons on sexual behavior.

They struggle because the refrain "God heals all things" callously ignores the real physical and mental disabilities that many will face their entire lives.

They struggle because the Church has actively fought against civil rights issues like same-sex marriage.

They struggle because girls are taught to be modest for boys.

They struggle because boys get the message that their impure thoughts and actions are caused by girls. 

They struggle because expressing doubts can leave you isolated and ostracized.

They struggle because the Church banned children of gay couples from joining the Church until they are 18.

They struggle because of the historical practice of polygamy that condemned women who wouldn't accept it.

They struggle because the Church is so concerned about its appearance that it will hide any sign of weakness or mistake instead of admitting them and forsaking them.

They struggle because female general leaders are not often consulted in major policies, including those in The Family: A Proclamation to the World.

They struggle because sexual assault victims are directed to bishops who receive no sexual assault training.

They struggle because they learn that stories of heroism and honor that their testimonies are founded on have sometimes been exaggerated, if not constructed.

They struggle because the Doctrine and Covenants teaches that anything can be justified if God commands it.

They struggle because the oft-quoted phrase, "Everything happens for reason" translates to "God wanted me to be raped."

They struggle because...

They struggle. 

These struggles are not trivial. They are not the vain imaginings of someone looking for trouble. They cannot be easily swept under the rug. These struggles represent real battles in life, most of which affect them personally, and hinge on understanding how an organization that claims to have the fullness of the gospel and modern prophets can ever accept morally questionable policies and teachings as Truth.

I see you. I hear you. I am one of you. 

There are days that I wonder why I even bother. Conversations about the Church with me are  
rarely going to end on a positive note. And sometimes I ask myself why I stay. And then I remember.

I stay because there are a few special moments that I cannot deny, no matter how hard I try.

I stay because a fundamental principle of the Gospel is that we accept all truth, no matter its source.

I stay because the network of social support can be a lifeline when you feel adrift and lost.

I stay because I don't like perfect people, and the Church is full of imperfection.

I stay because I believe in building from within.

I stay because I want much of what we teach to be true.

I stay because I recognize that putting anyone on a pedestal - your bishop, your home teacher, or your Church - is a mistake.

I stay because the Church is trying to do better, and I appreciate efforts to try to do better.

I stay because we believe in goodness, and mercy, and forgiveness - even if we're not the best at being good, and merciful, and forgiving.

I stay because I recognize that while the Gospel is perfect, the Church is not, both because the people in it are imperfect and because we have much yet to learn.

I stay because we believe that as the members become capable of accepting more Truth that we will receive more Truth. And that means that what we recognize as Truth today is incomplete, and that gives me hope for tomorrow.

I stay. 

This post can also be found at The Transfigurist. 

A Call to Repentance: The LDS Church Response to Victims of Sexual Assault

In 2016, social media was in an uproar. The Mormon Newsroom, the official organization responsible for releasing news about the LDS Church, had just released an article praising the LDS Church's approach to victims of sexual assault. Originally written in 2010 by (now) Elder Von G. Keetch, the article claimed that the Church was the "Gold Standard" in handling sexual abuse. And victims were furious. The Church quickly removed the article, announcing that it's release had been accidental, and later released an updated version (though much of the original text can be here).

The uproar was well-founded. Many of the false claims were easily renounced, including that the one that "preventing and responding to child abuse is the subject of a regular lesson taught during Sunday meetings", even though there are only two lessons (here and here) found in any church manual used for Sunday instruction that even remotely addresses preventing sexual abuse, and one of these (the far more comprehensive one) is on a near decade-long rotation. 

A Closer Look at Me: MyDailyShe Guest Post

I know I've been away from my blog far too often recently, but this whole dissertation-thing kinda sucks it out of you. But worry not - I've already started working on new content (now that I'm post-quals - yay!). 

In the meantime, check out my story on MyDailyShe - You get a close-up look at why I'm doing what I'm doing and how I hope to make the world a little better. 

-------------------------------- 

A colleague asked, “Are you aware that someone in your audience might be a sexual assault survivor?”

Yes. Yes, I am aware.

I am aware that every 98 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted.

I am aware that one woman in six is a victim of sexual assault.

I am aware that one woman in ten will be raped by an intimate partner in her lifetime.

I am a sexual assault survivor, and I am dedicated to fighting sexual assault.

For more... "Bridging Gaps Between Scientists and the Public" 

When Mormons Abandon Morality

This isn't likely to be my most coherent post. You see, it's 2 am, I've slept for two of the last twenty-four hours, and I'm not likely to fall asleep again for a while. But the nightmares are back, and there's really not a lot I can do about it.

I know I am not alone. So many others like myself are awake with the same fears, repetitions of the same terrors. All uniquely customized to match our individual stories, made-to-order horrors just for us.

The gay couple watching as their house is burned down. 
The Muslim woman attacked in the street as her hijab is ripped off and called a terrorist.
The unarmed black man kneeling as he faces a loaded gun.
The woman reliving her sexual assaults again and again.

As a multiple sexual assault survivor who every day has to tell myself that I deserve better, that This is not okay, that Things will get better, I have to admit that that mantra sounds especially hollow today.

Half of the country doesn't think that I do.
Half of the country thinks that this is just fine.
Half of the country doesn't think that there's a problem in the first place.

When the party of "family values" elects a man who openly admits to sexually assaulting women, who brags about wanting to have sex with his daughter, who has decades of recorded, flagrantly sexist comments, then I don't want your family values. If that's what your family looks like, then I want no part of it.

Of Scarred Hands and Wounded Feet

You're not strong enough. 

You're not trying hard enough. 

You must have done something wrong. 

You deserved this. 

These are the messages we hear, day in and day out. The admirable qualities of self-reliance, working hard, and trying again becomes twisted into one of prideful judgment: 

If you need help, you’re weak.

The LDS Church Endorsed Socialism: What Policies in 1939 Mean Now

While The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is politically neutral, leaders have spoken out on political matters at different times for different reasons. During the Red Scare, it wasn't uncommon to hear leaders speak out on the evils of socialism (comments that were not endorsed as doctrine of the Church and which were often met with rebuke from the other leaders). 

What most people don't know is that during the Great Depression, the Church advocated socialistic principles. In 1939 under the direction of President Heber J. Grant and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, the Church published an official course manual titled "Priesthood and Church Welfare." In it, the Church advocated for the "socialization of our service institutions through a system of progressive taxation based upon ability to pay...taking the bulk of their [captains of industry] profits to finance free education, free libraries, free public parks and recreation centers, unemployment insurance, old age benefits, sickness and accident insurance, and perhaps eventually free medical and hospital service."

You read that right. The LDS Church was feeling the Bern.

An Evil Unchecked: Warnings from the LDS Church on Income Inequality

“One of the great evils with which our own nation is menaced at the present time is the wonderful growth of wealth in the hands of a comparatively few individuals. The very liberties for which our fathers contended so steadfastly and courageously, and which they bequeathed to us as a priceless legacy, are endangered by the monstrous power which this accumulation of wealth gives to a few individuals and a few powerful corporations. By its seductive influence results are accomplished which, were it more equally distributed, would be impossible under our form of government. It threatens to give shape to the legislation, both State and National, of the entire country. If this evil should not be checked, and measures not be taken to prevent the continued enormous growth of riches among the class already rich, and the painful increase of destitution and want among the poor, the nation is liable to be overtaken by disaster; for, according to history, such a tendency among nations once powerful was the sure precursor of ruin.”

"Because I Have Been Given Much": Why We Don't Have to Repeat 1939

With the recent terrorist attacks in Beruit and Paris (among other places), I was among many who watched, listened, and read in horror and heartache for those who have lost their loved ones. Social media erupted with images and videos expressing love and support for those who were hurting. Moments of silence and candlelight vigils were planned across the country, and many wanted to know what they could do to help.

It didn't take long, however, for the shock to devolve into fear. Within days, if not hours, the tragedies were turned into opportunities for political activism. 

Instead of hearing, "We love you," I began to hear, "Leave us alone." 

"Family First" Includes Same-Sex Families: Why the LDS Church Updated Its Policies Concerning Same-Sex Marriage

Anyone who knows me knows that I am an ally of the LGBTQ community and have long-supported their right to equal protections under the law. So you can imagine my response when I read that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints updated their policy concerning the definitions of apostasy (and includes the possibility of excommunication) to include individuals who are in a same-sex marriage. It also added a policy concerning children of parents who are in a same-sex cohabitation or marriage that requires two things in order for a child to become baptized:

1. The child "accepts and is committed to live the teachings and doctrine of the Church and specifically disavows the practice of same-gender cohabitation and marriage," and 
2. The child must be "of legal age" and not living "with a parent who has lived or currently lives in a same-gender cohabitation relationship or marriage."

I was stunned. 

Common Creationist Complaint: How did biochemical pathways originate?

Common Complaint: How did new biochemical pathways, which involve multiple enzymes working together in sequence, originate? Every pathway and nano-machine requires multiple protein/enzyme components to work. How did lucky accidents create even one of the components, let alone 10 or 20 or 30 at the same time, often in a necessary programmed sequence. Evolutionary biochemist Franklin Harold wrote, “we must concede that there are presently no detailed Darwinian accounts of the evolution of any biochemical or cellular system, only a variety of wishful speculations.”

I Celebrate the Supreme Court Ruling Because of my Religion, Not in Spite of It

It is with much joy that I woke up and heard the news this morning: the Supreme Court has ruled that same-sex marriage bans are illegal and these unions must be recognized. I've been a supporter of the legalization of same-sex marriage for years, and today, I'm very proud of my country.

But I'm a Mormon, and Mormons have a history of opposing same-sex marriage.

Defending Family Values - Are You Sure Same-Sex Marriage is the Threat?

"Defend the family!"

"Stand up for family values!"

"The family is under attack!"

Oh, you've heard it. From the pulpit to news media outlets to social media, you've heard about the war on the family. And you know exactly what it is they are referencing:

Same-sex marriage.

Common Creationist Complaint: How do evolutionists know that living things weren't designed?

Common Complaint: Living things look like they were designed, so how do evolutionists know that they were not designed? Richard Dawkins wrote, “biology is the study of complicated things that have the appearance of having been designed with a purpose.”Francis Crick, the co-discoverer of the double helix structure of DNA, wrote, “Biologists must constantly keep in mind that what they see was not designed, but rather evolved.” The problem for evolutionists is that living things show too much design. Who objects when an archaeologist says that pottery points to human design? Yet if someone attributes the design in living things to a designer, that is not acceptable. Why should science be restricted to naturalistic causes rather than logical causes? [1]

Common Creationist Complaint: Where are the scientific breakthroughs due to evolution?

Common Complaint: Where are the scientific breakthroughs due to evolution? Dr. Marc Kirschner, chair of the Department of Systems Biology, Harvard Medical School, stated: “In fact, over the last 100 years, almost all of biology has proceeded independent of evolution, except evolutionary biology itself. Molecular biology, biochemistry, physiology, have not taken evolution into account at all.” Dr Skell wrote, “It is our knowledge of how these organisms actually operate, not speculations about how they may have arisen millions of years ago, that is essential to doctors, veterinarians, farmers … .” Evolution actually hinders medical discovery. Then why do schools and universities teach evolution so dogmatically, stealing time from experimental biology that so benefits humankind? [1]

Common Creationist Complaint: Why is a fundamentally religious idea taught in science classes?

Common Complaint: Why is a fundamentally religious idea, a dogmatic belief system that fails to explain the evidence, taught in science classes? Karl Popper, famous philosopher of science, said “Darwinism is not a testable scientific theory, but a metaphysical [religious] research programme ….” Michael Ruse, evolutionist science philosopher admitted, “Evolution is a religion. This was true of evolution in the beginning, and it is true of evolution still today.” If “you can’t teach religion in science classes”, why is evolution taught? [1]

What about Adam?

Is there any evidence for a "historical Adam?" Could he have been real? Is he our genetic father? Is his existence just a metaphor? Could he be a "spiritual father" of mankind? 

I think that depends on what you expect out of this historical Adam.

Common Creationist Complaint: Why is evolutionary ‘just-so’ story-telling tolerated?

Common Complaint: Why is evolutionary ‘just-so’ story-telling tolerated? Evolutionists often use flexible story-telling to ‘explain’ observations contrary to evolutionary theory. NAS(USA) member Dr Philip Skell wrote, “Darwinian explanations for such things are often too supple: Natural selection makes humans self-centered and aggressive—except when it makes them altruistic and peaceable. Or natural selection produces virile men who eagerly spread their seed—except when it prefers men who are faithful protectors and providers. When an explanation is so supple that it can explain any behavior, it is difficult to test it experimentally, much less use it as a catalyst for scientific discovery." [1]

The Nature of Science

Science is far more than the collection of facts and data that is often presented as "science" in classrooms; it is the process that is used to gather the information that is then presented as science - it is how we discover that collection of facts and data. Not everything can be studied using science (for example, it has to be "falsifiable" - you can't prove that there are no mermaids in the ocean. How would you set up that particular experiment?), and not all scientific knowledge is given equal weight (which is why we use terms like facts, hypotheses, laws, and theories - check out my post here explaining these terms), but the information that does result from doing science gives us verifiable, evidence-based information.  

Common Creationist Complaint: How did blind chemistry create mind/intelligence, meaning, altruism and morality?

Common Complaint: How did blind chemistry create mind/ intelligence, meaning, altruism and morality? If everything evolved, and we invented God, as per evolutionary teaching, what purpose or meaning is there to human life? Should students be learning nihilism (life is meaningless) in science classes? [1]